The impact of loss cannot be fathomed until it is experienced. All loss is not the same. I’ve had loved ones pass away throughout my journey, but none of them come close to comparible. I am learning that there are different severities to the degree in which you grieve. When it is a true loss, when a part of you is gone, you are never the same as you once were. Loss changes a person. Love changes a person. Change even changes a person.
People have the gift of leaving imprints, both good and bad. Not if, but when you lose someone, there are memories tied to that individual. This is where I have been struggling; to unwrap myself from memories that turned into nightmares. I remember just about everything. I have plenty of cheerful times to recall, but when something occurs suddenly and makes such a statement that can’t be ignored, that shatters what is good, and that causes pain demanding to be felt, you lose sight of what was bright and crawl in a dark fog.
Up until six months ago, I had never first handedly witnessed death before. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am certain that I hurt God’s feelings when Papa John Davidson died. I was instantly angry that I physically couldn’t do anything to “save” him. Then I thought about how awful it was that I couldn’t “save” Mama Lorri from the breath-taking aches and utter heart-break she would feel. Time is a strange concept. In an instant I saw a woman who had lost not only a daughter two years ago, but now her husband too. For a moment, I imagined how Mary may have felt when her son, Jesus, died.
It has taken time, but I realize the magnitude of love God has for me. He sent His son to die for our sins, for my sins. What love? I desire love modeled after Jesus and Papa John. I want the kind of love that when lost ( but not forever because when saved, we will be reunited in Heaven) it wounds me. Watching Papa John and Mama Lorri as a Christian married couple, I got a peek at the sort of relationship I want to model my own after. I crave the kind of love that time cannot erase or weaken. It has been proven to me that love does last. Love truly is kind. Love is strength. Love inspires. Love comes from the heart and not from the head. Love is beautiful. I was once asked, ” What do you think about love? Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?” I didn’t know how to answer. After much thought, I finally have an answer. You cannot miss something you never had, but is that a good thing? To me, not experiencing love is a great tragedy.There is nothing better than love. Love saved me. God is love. The only thing worse than not knowing love is not knowing God. You need love because you need God. So I say, it is better to have loved.
Love is unquestionably the best thing you’ll ever experience. The worst thing you’ll ever experience is losing that love. I will be the last to tell you it is easy or that you have a time on grieving, because it is a lie. What does help is knowing that you aren’t alone. You are never alone.
Papa John, it is terribly hard to accept that you’ve been gone for six months already. It has been very difficult times. Thank you for being so magnificent. You weren’t my dad, or blood to me at all, but I loved you anyway because you loved me.
Thank you to all of you who supported, comforted, and continue to help me through life. You’ll never know how grateful I am and what a difference it makes. Each of you who caught my tears, brushed me off and helped me stand again, and showed me that it was okay to pick my head up and smile even though I wasn’t all right, holds a special place in my heart. You have helped me get to a place where I can at least attempt to express my feelings and thoughts. This is the first writing in months. I hope it can help someone else. Don’t be afraid to feel. Live and love whole heartedly without fearing it’ll be taken from you. Allow yourself to experience it all.
From the Heart of Lacey 