A Grateful Heart

Have you ever wanted something and prayed over it, but are still amazed at God’s goodness when that blessing comes? How could we possibly be ungrateful? When we are out of touch spiritually, we can oftentimes take blessings for granted or miss out altogether.

I had an unexpected matter to come up recently. That small hiccup caused a pretty large dilemma. To my knees, I went. I was going to have to take a long route to handle the situation and didn’t know how it would be solved, but all the while I prayed over it. God knew my need and my heart. It is hard to give it up and leave it. We as humans like the tug of war with handing over our worries to Him. I had to let go. It’s too stressful to handle it all on my own. If we aren’t careful, we can bring in unneeded trouble for ourselves. That’s why it’s important to let Him take it off our hands.

I’ve learned over the years to come to God with a grateful heart, to begin with. This action will set you on the right track. Will our problems instantly be fixed? Uh, no. It does place you in the right headspace though. Thank Him before and during the waiting period and you feel that much better when your prayer gets answered.

One thing I include in my prayers, especially if I’m putting a request in, is that He use my mustard seed size faith to believe and know that He has it taken care of. I want to give Him 100% control because I’ll mess it up on my own. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? That’s not always the case. It’s more difficult to remain grateful when it’s all smooth sailing versus when the going gets rough and life fills with storms. Our thoughts work on the “out of sight out of mind route”, oftentimes. What can keep gratitude fresh on your mind? Communication and action. Say a long-distance friendship, for example, It requires more than just having their back every once in a while when life gets rocky. You tend to feel more grateful when they’re consistent. The same thing applies to your relationship with God. When we stay in communication through it all, our relationship grows stronger and you miss out less. When all these factors are added up, you are left with a grateful heart.

BEaUtiful

I’m not one to say be yourself and not follow the same advice, so here is my take on being you.
Figure out how to love yourself and let the journey of self-discovery begin. Sound easy? It isn’t. It is possible though.

Let’s take a look at what started my search for a positive body image. I was fourteen and had only had my permanent Colostomy about a year when a Parastomal Hernia made itself know and very visible. My body was weak and I had never eaten much because it caused pain and I did everything I could to keep from aggravating my Crohns Disease. I could finally eat and began growing, but it happened too quickly. I wasn’t exactly given a crash course after surgery. There was so much changing with my body and I didn’t know what to do about it. Then the teasing started. Pregnant. That is what I was viewed as. I was horrified. I couldn’t believe I was being harassed, because of what I looked like. I would go home and cry daily. I didn’t want to return to school the following day or the one after that. I even had hernia repair surgeries (yes, plural) in hopes I’d look normal on the outside which would end the torture. If I had known then what I know now, I would have had advice and tips, but I didn’t. Maybe the emotional pain wouldn’t have felt so strong. I couldn’t believe people, especially adults were so harsh and to a kid at that!
Those words and looks slowly chipped away at my spirit.

Surgery and the ostomy was a life-altering surgery in more ways than one. I don’t regret it. I started off strong after the operation. I wore a bikini, went to river events with the church, talked to other kids my age experiencing similar medical conditions, and truly loved the new take on life. I was happy to be alive and to not spend all my time in the bathroom and hospital. I could actually live, not just survive. It was like being on cloud nine before I reached that valley. I do wish I had loved myself enough to ignore the hateful words spoken to me though.

Fast forward to the most recent years and you’d get a different me. It has been trial and error. I’ve had highs and lows just as life normally does, but I’ve learned a thing or two along the years. One thing I’ve taken from it is that not everyone sees where you came from or how hard it was to get there, just where you are. They don’t always see the whole story. You have to tell them for some people to get it. It’s a learning experience on both ends. You have to be sure of yourself in order to have others see you that way. It isn’t a one-step and done sort of deal, but a worthwhile one. Stand for yourself, because no one else will. Another thing I realized is that shapewear is your friend and that it isn’t all the same. I’ve spent a chunk on Spanx, mostly a waste. I recently found Shapermint thanks to social media ads. Man is that a diamond in the rough? Not only did I find what I’ve been searching for, but more.

I found the inspiration for this blog post from Shapermint. Their mission is to empower women and that’s also what I try to achieve in my small business. It just clicked with me. I have needed to share my history with people I just didn’t know how to. In the booklet they sent me, it says, ” Aint no shame in being you”. What true words those are! God made us in His image and no one is perfect, but Him alone. We are human. We are flawed. We as women are so judgemental of ourselves as well as others. What we need to do is empower each other and be empowered. Love goes full circle and when you love others and yourself, you can truly Be U. That’s the meaning of beauty. It isn’t all about appearances. Life is harsh to us, let’s not be harsh back. Go BEaUtiful.

Waiting Out the Process

Waiting Out the Process

Have you ever been promised something and feel as though you cannot wait any longer for it to take place? I’ve been there. If I am being honest, I am still there. Sticking it out can be discouraging and disheartening. I’m often left wondering if those promises have been broken before they could come to be or do I have more waiting to do. But what if what you’ve been promised is only as good as the word of the one who promised you? Think about that. Is the individual cautious making promises? Do they have a habit of making and breaking promises? Do you trust those who promised you? Trust. That’s the keyword. Trust is half of the process and the other is waiting.

Personally, for me, the process has been the journey of preparation to be a wife someday. Except for a few dear people, I don’t go into detail about my lack of a love life. God though has gotten quite the earful. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been a hopeless romantic. I love the cheesy, cliche, boy meets girl stuff. Rom-Coms are my favorite and I don’t mind a tear-jerker. Love songs are my jam. I want to be swept off my feet. Is that so wrong? I know real life doesn’t work that way, but can’t I want the ultimate relationship? I want the best I can have. I’ve chosen to wait it out, but did I think I’d be waiting this long? Nope. I did not. There is one reason for that.

My timing is not God’s timing. Man do I hear that til I want to turn selective hearing on. Think I haven’t prayed about it? I have. Think I need to be patient? I’m doing my best – almost 26 years of it. Think I ought to love myself before I can love another? That’s a work in progress. My point is that I’m not perfect and I will never be, so if that is what keeps me from having my desired life partner, I guess I’ll be forever single. This is where God intervenes. I believe that when it’s His time it’ll happen. That doesn’t make the process easy, it makes it hopeful. God knows the desires of my heart and is writing my love story. I just can’t see it being played out. I see what is going on at this very moment.

Emotion blinds us and lets me tell you, I am one emotional human.

The process requires 3 components and they are Obedience, Isolation, and Trust. There’s nothing God is unABLE to do. He only asks three things of us to make it through the process and to the promise. Sound simple enough? Who has trouble doing what we are asked and want to do it our way instead? How about managing isolation and feeling cut off? Are you okay in those areas? How do you handle the trust department? Do you still think it sounds simple? What if I told you it isn’t meant to be easy? Life isn’t simple and neither is the season of your process. If we cannot handle the process, we surely can’t handle the promise. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.

Say you’ve been doing the right things and feel like you’re being punished. Keep doing what you’re doing. Be obedient now and you’ll be blessed later. Don’t get discouraged. You just haven’t made it through the preparation stage yet. God may be using your experience to work in another life other than your own.strongly

How do you deal with isolation? I’m sure that each of us handles it in our way. For me, I strongly dislike it. Being or feeling alone gives me separation anxiety. I require very little ”just me” time. The way God made me is to be social, to be paired or surrounded by people. I was never the child that played by herself. That wasn’t fun for me. Being cut off made me feel like I was punished. This is an area in my life that I know without a doubt needs to be worked on. I listened to a message from our pastor recently that shed some light on this subject and provided hope. Isolation is where building takes place. The word “hide” means to be absent from oneself. “If Elijah couldn’t handle the isolation season, then he couldn’t have handled what God already had in store for him”. – Pastor Brent Purvis. Hang in there. You’re camping out, but not buying the house. This too shall pass.

Trusting is possibly the toughest part. We want to play an Indian giver instead of putting it and keeping it in God’s hands. Maybe we don’t mean to do it. We as people like having control. Who liked being Simon, because that way, you couldn’t lose the game? I tried my best to listen carefully and be the last one standing, but it isn’t always how it happens. God wants us to be dependant on Him. He already has it all planned out. All He asks is for us to trust that He has us taken care of with a promise at the end of the process.

We get desperate and feel forgotten especially when those around us seem like they’ve already gotten their promises granted. It seems like you’re the only one single in your group of friends, like you were the only one skipped for a promotion, or feels like you’ve been unhealthy for ages and individuals around you are living their best life. Each of us has our plans mapped out, we just have to make it through the process to see the destination. Yes, the waiting game is hard, but I have faith that it’ll happen when the time is right. No, I’m not preaching. I just want to share some encouragement from an individual that has struggled through the process myself. Don’t give up. Let’s cheer on each other through our processes.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Celebrating a Triumph

  Often times you have to acknowledge where you’ve been to truly appreciate where you are. Today marks 5 years that I have gone without surgery. Doesn’t sound like a big deal? Well, let me tell you that it’s quite the accomplishment for me. My long running record could barely manage going a year without ER visits, admissions, and procedure/surgeries of different sorts. I jumped for joy if I made it 6 months to a year. Isn’t that sad? I took the breaks I could get even if I suffered off and on during that time period. I wouldn’t give in and go to the hospital for help until I absolutely couldn’t handle it any more. When you’ve spent any time being sick and  personally know the ins and outs of the process, you try to steer clear as long as you can get away with. It gets old. In my experience, there is no such thing as a “short stay”. The weeks turn into months. Although I have been in the hospital within my new 5 year stretch, things were able to be treated without going under the knife. I thank God for the biologic Entyvio and that it’s the first I’ve been on that works. I’ve never known what remission was like. 

  I still have other body parts that fail to do their jobs, but a win in one area is still a win! My Colostomy ( FRED) is hanging on and behaves most days. I’m on medications to stabilize the bouts of IBS ( Irritable Bowel Syndrome). My 5 year old Power Port is going strong. Due to my stance against having the port permanently removed, I will not be having my Tricuspid Valve replaced at this time. Recent test showed that my Thymus Gland/mass has shrunk and lit up less than on previous scans. The surgeon released me once I agreed to a follow-up MRI in a year to review the situation. If I discover at my upcoming Neurology appointment that I tested positive for Myasthenia Gravis and surgery is recommended, we will then regroup and come up with the most reasonable plan of action.   

Today I celebrate and thank God for how far He has brought me and for every battle that we’ve overcome. Don’t forget to recognize your triumphs, no matter the size. Take one day at a time and don’t give up. You won’t know how beautiful tomorrow will be until it comes. If it’s done nothing but rain on you, soak up every ounce of sun that is coming.

October 3, 2012

Experiencing Loss

The impact of loss cannot be fathomed until it is experienced. All loss is not the same. I’ve had loved ones pass away throughout my journey, but none of them come close to comparible. I am learning that there are different severities to the degree in which you grieve. When it is a true loss, when a part of you is gone, you are never the same as you once were. Loss changes a person. Love changes a person. Change even changes a person.

 

People have the gift of leaving imprints, both good and bad. Not if, but when you lose someone, there are memories tied to that individual. This is where I have been struggling; to unwrap myself from memories that turned into nightmares. I remember just about everything. I have plenty of cheerful times to recall, but when something occurs suddenly and makes such a statement that can’t be ignored, that shatters what is good, and that causes pain demanding to be felt, you lose sight of what was bright and crawl in a dark fog.

 

Up until six months ago, I had never first handedly witnessed death before. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am certain that I hurt God’s feelings when Papa John Davidson died. I was instantly angry that I physically couldn’t do anything to “save” him. Then I thought about how awful it was that I couldn’t “save”  Mama Lorri from the breath-taking aches and utter heart-break she would feel. Time is a strange concept. In an instant I saw a woman who had lost not only a daughter two years ago, but now her husband too. For a moment, I imagined how Mary may have felt when her son, Jesus, died.

 

It has taken time, but I realize the magnitude of love God has for me. He sent His son to die for our sins, for my sins. What love?  I desire love modeled after Jesus and Papa John. I want the kind of love that when lost ( but not forever because when saved, we will be reunited in Heaven) it wounds me. Watching Papa John and Mama Lorri as a Christian married couple, I got a peek at the sort of relationship I want to model my own after. I crave the kind of love that time cannot erase or weaken. It has been proven to me that love does last. Love truly is kind. Love is strength. Love inspires. Love comes from the heart and not from the head. Love is beautiful. I was once asked, ” What do you think about love? Is it better to have loved  and lost or to have never loved at all?” I didn’t know how to answer. After much thought, I finally have an answer. You cannot miss something you never had, but is that a good thing? To me, not experiencing love is a great tragedy.There is nothing better than love. Love saved me. God is love. The only thing worse than not knowing love is not knowing God. You need love because you need God. So I say, it is better to have loved.

 

Love is unquestionably the best thing you’ll ever experience. The worst thing you’ll ever experience is losing that love. I will be the last to tell you it is easy or that you have a time on grieving, because it is a lie. What does help is knowing that you aren’t alone. You are never alone.

 

Papa John, it is terribly hard to accept that you’ve been gone for six months already. It has been very difficult times. Thank you for being so magnificent. You weren’t my dad, or blood to me at all, but I loved you anyway because you loved me.

 

Thank you to all of you who supported, comforted, and continue to help me through life. You’ll never know how grateful I am and what a difference it makes. Each of you who caught my tears, brushed me off and helped me stand again, and showed me that it was okay to pick my head up and smile even though I wasn’t all right, holds a special place in my heart. You have helped me get to a place where I can at least attempt to express my feelings and thoughts. This is the first writing in months. I hope it can help someone else. Don’t be afraid to feel. Live and love whole heartedly without fearing it’ll be taken from you. Allow yourself to experience it all.

My 15th World IBD Day

To you, today is most likely another Thursday that went by as you eagerly await for Friday to get here. To me, today is so much more. You probably did your daily routine, checked social media a time or two, you may have had time for a quick break long enough to scarf down a bite to eat and if you’re lucky, go to the restroom too. If that is the case, I hope that you slow down long enough to read this and that it open your eyes to what others are going through on what appears to be just another day of the week.

As a six year old, when you get the news that you have a chronic intestinal disease called Crohn’s that is the reason behind why you’re so sick, it shakes things up quite a bit. For several years, I didn’t know a single soul that had what I was diagnosed with. When I did meet someone, he was my fourth grade friend’s uncle, and was much older than me. Other than knowing his stomach ” bothered him a great deal as well “, we didn’t seem to have much in common.

Many things changed in the years that followed the discovery of my Crohn’s Disease. I learned doctor lingo ( or at least tried to understand what they were saying), my condition worsened, I memorized my medication list and full medical history, I lost touch with kids my own age and grew up spending the majority of my time with adults, and I quickly increased my number of hospital admissions. It wasn’t until I was twelve for my turning point to occur. In desperation, I volunteered for a Colostomy bag. The only things I knew about it, was what info I gathered online and through sources given to me by the wound/ ostomy nurses at the children’s hospital. That was the only preparation I received. Yes, I was a bit nervous. Who wouldn’t be? But, I was extremely sick and had run out of options.My Gastroenterologist didn’t force the thought of surgery on me, I opted for it in hopes of a better quality of life. Going in to the operating room, I was still uncertain as to if it would be a permanent and done deal or something that would allow my bowels to rest and heal and reverse at a later time. It was not until right before I was wheeled into surgery, that the surgeon told mom and I that he didn’t know what the outcome would be until he got in there and saw the damage himself. That isn’t what you want to hear as a patient or as a mother of a sick child. It was too late to turn back and run from the situation. When I awoke, I had a permanent ostomy on the lower left side of my abdomen, a 7 inch incision closed with staples from above where my belly button had just recently been, but was there no longer, down to my bikini line, a drain tube in the lower right side of my abdomen, and bandages in my rear where things had been permanently closed for business. That is enough to make anyone panic. I chose to remember that as the event that changed my life for the better. It wasn’t until this particular hospital stay that I became aware of The Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America and told about Camp Oasis. I was inpatient for that summer session, but the following year I was able to attend and I all I can say is that it was the experience of a lifetime and one I hope to never forget. The bonds that I have made are indescribable and what I hold most dear to my heart other than Jesus.

Looking at me, you probably couldn’t tell that I’m battling an Irritable Bowel Disease and that I release waste from my bowels in an alternate manner. When I put on a smile and some makeup, it is hard to tell that I am much different than the typical young adult, but don’t be fooled. Looks are deceiving. Get to know people. Share your story. Be open and real with people. Don’t assume that we are all the same, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Fellow sufferers, know that you are not alone, ever. Friends and family who aren’t sick, thank you for not leaving our side when times are rough and we feel like we are falling apart. Forgive us for having to cancel plans.  Be sincere when you ask what is wrong or how someone is doing. Sometimes prayers and I love yous go further than you think. We lose people to these awful diseases everyday; cancer isn’t the only thing that kills and sucks.Education and awareness are vitally important. If you don’t know someone affected by IBD or have any idea what it is, ask one of us that have it or do some research. It is amazing what you can learn about someone/ something nowadays with social media and the available resources. 

 

Fred – My Colostomy Bag

   If you are scratching your head while reading the title, then please keep reading. If you are under the impression that ostomies are for the elderly, keep reading. If you didn’t know that there are different types of ostomies and reasons for having them, then keep reading. If you are educated on all of this info, but don’t know my story, then I hope you keep reading. My whole goal is to educate and spread awareness. Also, if you are a fellow ostomate, I hope you find this post encouraging and empowering.

 In 2006, I selected to have surgery to save my life by making a stoma out of my colon and remove the Crohns Diseased portion of my intestines/Rectum/Anus. I was only twelve at the time, but had exhausted all other options of treatment. The damage as a result of Crohn’s left me with no choice but to make my Colostomy permanent. Others, depending on their unique case, may only need an ostomy for a short period of time to allow healing. If your Ileum is used to create the stoma ( part of your colon is removed and part or all of rectum kept), then it is called an Ileostomy. Typically, but not always; Colostomies are on the left of your abdomen and Ileostomies are placed on the right. Some medical conditions that may lead to an ostomy include : Crohn’s , Colitis, Cancer, Hirschprung’s Disease, Injury, bowel blockage, or perforated Diverticulitis.

Why did I name my Colostomy? Well, after chatting with others that have ostomies, I realized how common it was to come up with a name before surgery as a coping technique. I was young and looking for an outlet that would make it slightly less complicated to bring up in conversation. I honestly don’t know why I chose Fred, but it stuck. ( Literally. Pun intended.) Fred is a part of me and having it for almost ten years makes it second nature.

Speaking of second nature, I don’t think I have ever missed using the toilet like it was traditionally intended. I don’t have the urge to have a bowel movement. To me, it isn’t weird at all. Fred goes when Fred desires. I poop in a bag and can empty it into the toilet when it fills up or remove the bag, dispose of it, and replace it with a new one. Let me just say how convenient that is for me when it comes to road trips, concerts, and procedure/ surgery prep. Prior to my ostomy, I wore a pull up because I had no control of my bowels and I couldn’t make it to the bathroom no matter how hard I tried. I was a mess. My bag is my blessing.

Just because I have a Colostomy does not mean I am cured and don’t have complications. I cannot be “fixed” except by Jesus. I still have Crohn’s Disease, I still need treatment, and I still need closely monitored. My bag isn’t perfect, but it makes a huge difference in my life. Living with a bag attached to you can be challenging. I have had hernia repairs due to weakened stomach muscles from numerous surgeries, I have been asked if I was pregnant, I have been bullied, and I have been accused of hiding (stealing) things under my shirt. My tummy pooches out a little from all of the cutting that has occurred over time. Do I like that? No, no I don’t, however, there is no point in sulking about it. I cannot change it, so I work on accepting it and improving on things I can do. I even considered plastic surgery at some point because I wanted a flat belly. I have never wished Fred away, but I have found myself unsatisfied with the appearance left by unsuccessful corrective surgeries using mesh. These are definitely not pluses, but it goes to show that you truly cannot judge a book by its cover and that an ostomy is not just a once and done kind of deal. Usually, you cannot see someone’s ostomy unless they show you. I will gladly pull up my shirt and show off my bag , but I also conceal it when it is appropriate to do so. As a personal preference, I typically tuck my bag into my underwear and wear some type of clothing such as a high waisted tummy controller or a camisole depending on what is comfortable to me on the given day. This isn’t necessary, but I like to keep Fred close and flush to my skin  for my own comfort and peace of mind. With age and experience I altered my style choices such as not wearing tight or fitted shirts. You wear what makes you happy. I don’t feel the need to give Fred a bigger spotlight than he already has. Making such subtle changes have hushed the accusations for the most part, but I’m the one who goes to bed and wakes up with an ostomy each day. I chose to accept it and embrace it.  It doesn’t slip your mind, but shouldn’t be overwhelming your conscience either.

Be you and live your life without fearing your ostomy. You can still do things you did before surgery and even things you possibly couldn’t do! Check with your doctor/ surgeon on recovery time and weight limits. Make wise decisions involving your health. Have fun. Over the spread of ten years, I have been a cheerleader, played volleyball, went on multiple mission trips ( in the United States through World Changers), gone swimming, taken beach and camping trips, gone white water rafting, taken Zumba class, been on a zip- line, been a camp counselor, and many more cool things. Take a back up set of supplies with you everywhere and pack a second set of clothes in case of an emergency. It is as easy as that! Showering with an ostomy is left up to you. You can change the whole thing, part of it, or wait and change the appliance after you’ve bathed. This will depend on the frequency of your output and the duration of wear time with your specific type of bag and wafer. Water won’t hurt it.

Love yourself and so will others. Attitude is everything when it comes to body image and confidence. Know that your ostomy doesn’t make you, but that it adds to your individuality. If you have a positive (or negative) outlook, then others will feed off of what you are putting out. In all honesty, it takes time to adjust to having an ostomy or knowing someone with one. It is a learning experience like other changes in life. Go on dates. Don’t think that no one will love you or want to be close to you. If you are in a relationship with an ostomate, communicate about how you feel. Take chances.Wear a bikini. Take pictures. Be open and accept/ask questions. Don’t put yourself down. You are beautiful. Ostomies are not gross, they’re simply an alternate route for waste to exit the body. Have good hygiene and some Poopourri spray and you are set! Tadaaa! No one even has to know if that’s how you want it.

Network!! This is a big deal to me. I would not be who I am today without the advice and mentoring from ostomy nurses, ostomy patients, and camps such as Youth Rally and Oasis. Getting to know others that are going through similar situations makes the biggest difference. No one wants to feel like they are alone in their suffering. It is easy to say or assume that no one understands, but that just isn’t true. Find a pen – pal. Read people’s stories. Research different support groups or Facebook pages. When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t know anyone that knew what I had or what it even was. I didn’t start meeting or hearing of others like me until I was sent to the GI floor of the children’s hospital to be treated. Once that door opened, people started coming out of the woodworks. I was told about camp for kids and teens with Crohn’s and Colitis, I was introduced to Child Life Specialists, and camp for kids and teens with ostomies. Since then, I have come across many awesome stories and people that have had major impacts in my life.  I have had the pleasure of being closely involved with four individuals and their journeys with Crohn’s and ostomy surgery. Each one was a learning experience and a blessing. I highly recommend getting connected with others. You can learn so much about them and yourself.

If you have read to the bottom of this post, thank you. This matter is so very important to me. I felt inspired after reading personal stories of others who are struggling or who are triumphant in their battle. No two stories are the same. If I said something to offend or upset you, please forgive me. That is never my intention. There is only so much sugar coating you can do. Poo is still poo and everyone does it one way or another. Feel free to share it, contact me, or let me know what you’d like me to write about next.

-Lacey

 

Why do I celebrate Easter?

At the age of six, I already knew who Jesus was , but through a message in children’s church, I made the personal decision to ask God to consume my heart, save me, and forgive me because I recognized that I am a sinner and cannot do anything to save myself. Call me an old soul, but I had no doubt that I wanted Jesus in my life. I had always been taught that I had to answer for my own actions. Where I spent Eternity was completely up to me. On the other hand, I cannot remember a time that I was not struggling with my health conditions. I needed God to get me through life and its harsh obstacles. I desired His help to get me through each day. I didn’t want to fight alone.

For some reason after I was saved, I did not immediately get baptized. I was aware and often reminded by leaders that the next step of being a follower of Jesus, was to publicly profess that I was a child of God by being put under water and lifted upright, symbolizing my change as a person. There was nothing magical about the water. The power is in God’s love and the impact He has on your life. I wanted to be baptized, but I wanted to feel the movement behind the action, not just do it because that is what was expected of me.

At twelve years old, there were many things going on in my life. My Crohn’s Disease was in full blown attack mode, I was trying my best to keep up in school ( because I am hard headed and determined to prove that I don’t give up), and I had a moment ignited with fire inside me when I acknowledged that it was finally time get baptized. All I can say is that God sends people into your life for a reason and that He sent someone to me at that specific time in my life to hold my hand and make that choice, one I’d never forget. This special individual and I were baptized on Easter Sunday that year. I hope to never forget the feeling of joy I had when I took the steps towards showing my love and thankfulness for Jesus’s precious gift.

Back to my question, Why do I celebrate Easter? I celebrate because God loved me and every other person so much that He willingly died as His blood was shed to wipe our sins clean and He raised from the dead three days later because we are imperfect and of sin nature, which makes it necessary to accept salvation so that we may be united with Him in Heaven when we are called Home. What does this mean? It is simple. It means that you are loved. Your sin is forgiven. It means that there is hope for you. This world is full of horrible elements. Know that it gets so much better!  I find peace in knowing that the only Hell I’ll ever go through is the brutal storms of this life, here on Earth. Jesus was beaten and crucified. Living is not a cake walk, but it is not all for nothing. There is purpose to your life. God will not turn His back on you once you’ve reached out your hand to Him. Easter was the day that hope was established. My hope for you is that if you’re reading this, that you realize How much you are loved by God and that Easter is the ultimate holiday of all time.

The Choice To Stand Alone

Today I took a big step in being an individual.
I ate lunch by myself for the first time as part of a process I am going through. When I go out and grab food, I’ll take it home or eat it in the car. In a way, I am embarrassed. I do not like the feeling of being alone. I consider myself as a social butterfly and have always surrounded myself around people. I am comforted by having someone near me, even if they don’t speak a word. I have loved and believed in Jesus as far back as I can remember. If I claim to be so close to God, then why in the world have I been trying to fill a void using people? How insulting is that to Him? He is all I need and has never left me for a moment. I am finally enjoying time to myself, but it has not been an easy lesson to learn. I have been single for some time now. For the longest time, I was upset that I wasn’t in a romantic relationship. I’d watch chick flicks and cry, see an engagement announcement and cringe, and I would wonder what I was doing wrong and why someone wasn’t head over heels for me yet. I have had it all wrong. God isn’t punishing me. He is waiting for me to let go and COMPLETELY trust Him. I have wrestled with holding the reigns. Slowly, I am gaining the will power to allow myself to be content and patient. I know that waiting for who God has in store me is far better than anyone I could ever hand select. I spend my Monday nights watching The Bachelor as if that will help my situation. Torture is what it is. I have to ask God to forgive me for comparing myself to the women that are throwing themselves at a man on national tv in hopes that he will see something in them that he doesn’t see in the other competitors. What I truly want is for a man to love God and then love me. I am not supposed to chase a man or feel like I have to be chase worthy. I am consciously choosing to pursue God’s love. Today I chose to stand alone and I wasn’t miserable. I am blessed that my eyes have been opened to this. I hope that if you find yourself feeling like you are alone and have been overlooked, that you will find comfort in knowing that God loves you more than you can imagine. Do not compare God’s love to man’s ability to love. Man will fail you, but God won’t.

-Lacey