Experiencing Loss

The impact of loss cannot be fathomed until it is experienced. All loss is not the same. I’ve had loved ones pass away throughout my journey, but none of them come close to comparible. I am learning that there are different severities to the degree in which you grieve. When it is a true loss, when a part of you is gone, you are never the same as you once were. Loss changes a person. Love changes a person. Change even changes a person.

 

People have the gift of leaving imprints, both good and bad. Not if, but when you lose someone, there are memories tied to that individual. This is where I have been struggling; to unwrap myself from memories that turned into nightmares. I remember just about everything. I have plenty of cheerful times to recall, but when something occurs suddenly and makes such a statement that can’t be ignored, that shatters what is good, and that causes pain demanding to be felt, you lose sight of what was bright and crawl in a dark fog.

 

Up until six months ago, I had never first handedly witnessed death before. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am certain that I hurt God’s feelings when Papa John Davidson died. I was instantly angry that I physically couldn’t do anything to “save” him. Then I thought about how awful it was that I couldn’t “save”  Mama Lorri from the breath-taking aches and utter heart-break she would feel. Time is a strange concept. In an instant I saw a woman who had lost not only a daughter two years ago, but now her husband too. For a moment, I imagined how Mary may have felt when her son, Jesus, died.

 

It has taken time, but I realize the magnitude of love God has for me. He sent His son to die for our sins, for my sins. What love?  I desire love modeled after Jesus and Papa John. I want the kind of love that when lost ( but not forever because when saved, we will be reunited in Heaven) it wounds me. Watching Papa John and Mama Lorri as a Christian married couple, I got a peek at the sort of relationship I want to model my own after. I crave the kind of love that time cannot erase or weaken. It has been proven to me that love does last. Love truly is kind. Love is strength. Love inspires. Love comes from the heart and not from the head. Love is beautiful. I was once asked, ” What do you think about love? Is it better to have loved  and lost or to have never loved at all?” I didn’t know how to answer. After much thought, I finally have an answer. You cannot miss something you never had, but is that a good thing? To me, not experiencing love is a great tragedy.There is nothing better than love. Love saved me. God is love. The only thing worse than not knowing love is not knowing God. You need love because you need God. So I say, it is better to have loved.

 

Love is unquestionably the best thing you’ll ever experience. The worst thing you’ll ever experience is losing that love. I will be the last to tell you it is easy or that you have a time on grieving, because it is a lie. What does help is knowing that you aren’t alone. You are never alone.

 

Papa John, it is terribly hard to accept that you’ve been gone for six months already. It has been very difficult times. Thank you for being so magnificent. You weren’t my dad, or blood to me at all, but I loved you anyway because you loved me.

 

Thank you to all of you who supported, comforted, and continue to help me through life. You’ll never know how grateful I am and what a difference it makes. Each of you who caught my tears, brushed me off and helped me stand again, and showed me that it was okay to pick my head up and smile even though I wasn’t all right, holds a special place in my heart. You have helped me get to a place where I can at least attempt to express my feelings and thoughts. This is the first writing in months. I hope it can help someone else. Don’t be afraid to feel. Live and love whole heartedly without fearing it’ll be taken from you. Allow yourself to experience it all.

Why do I celebrate Easter?

At the age of six, I already knew who Jesus was , but through a message in children’s church, I made the personal decision to ask God to consume my heart, save me, and forgive me because I recognized that I am a sinner and cannot do anything to save myself. Call me an old soul, but I had no doubt that I wanted Jesus in my life. I had always been taught that I had to answer for my own actions. Where I spent Eternity was completely up to me. On the other hand, I cannot remember a time that I was not struggling with my health conditions. I needed God to get me through life and its harsh obstacles. I desired His help to get me through each day. I didn’t want to fight alone.

For some reason after I was saved, I did not immediately get baptized. I was aware and often reminded by leaders that the next step of being a follower of Jesus, was to publicly profess that I was a child of God by being put under water and lifted upright, symbolizing my change as a person. There was nothing magical about the water. The power is in God’s love and the impact He has on your life. I wanted to be baptized, but I wanted to feel the movement behind the action, not just do it because that is what was expected of me.

At twelve years old, there were many things going on in my life. My Crohn’s Disease was in full blown attack mode, I was trying my best to keep up in school ( because I am hard headed and determined to prove that I don’t give up), and I had a moment ignited with fire inside me when I acknowledged that it was finally time get baptized. All I can say is that God sends people into your life for a reason and that He sent someone to me at that specific time in my life to hold my hand and make that choice, one I’d never forget. This special individual and I were baptized on Easter Sunday that year. I hope to never forget the feeling of joy I had when I took the steps towards showing my love and thankfulness for Jesus’s precious gift.

Back to my question, Why do I celebrate Easter? I celebrate because God loved me and every other person so much that He willingly died as His blood was shed to wipe our sins clean and He raised from the dead three days later because we are imperfect and of sin nature, which makes it necessary to accept salvation so that we may be united with Him in Heaven when we are called Home. What does this mean? It is simple. It means that you are loved. Your sin is forgiven. It means that there is hope for you. This world is full of horrible elements. Know that it gets so much better!  I find peace in knowing that the only Hell I’ll ever go through is the brutal storms of this life, here on Earth. Jesus was beaten and crucified. Living is not a cake walk, but it is not all for nothing. There is purpose to your life. God will not turn His back on you once you’ve reached out your hand to Him. Easter was the day that hope was established. My hope for you is that if you’re reading this, that you realize How much you are loved by God and that Easter is the ultimate holiday of all time.

The Choice To Stand Alone

Today I took a big step in being an individual.
I ate lunch by myself for the first time as part of a process I am going through. When I go out and grab food, I’ll take it home or eat it in the car. In a way, I am embarrassed. I do not like the feeling of being alone. I consider myself as a social butterfly and have always surrounded myself around people. I am comforted by having someone near me, even if they don’t speak a word. I have loved and believed in Jesus as far back as I can remember. If I claim to be so close to God, then why in the world have I been trying to fill a void using people? How insulting is that to Him? He is all I need and has never left me for a moment. I am finally enjoying time to myself, but it has not been an easy lesson to learn. I have been single for some time now. For the longest time, I was upset that I wasn’t in a romantic relationship. I’d watch chick flicks and cry, see an engagement announcement and cringe, and I would wonder what I was doing wrong and why someone wasn’t head over heels for me yet. I have had it all wrong. God isn’t punishing me. He is waiting for me to let go and COMPLETELY trust Him. I have wrestled with holding the reigns. Slowly, I am gaining the will power to allow myself to be content and patient. I know that waiting for who God has in store me is far better than anyone I could ever hand select. I spend my Monday nights watching The Bachelor as if that will help my situation. Torture is what it is. I have to ask God to forgive me for comparing myself to the women that are throwing themselves at a man on national tv in hopes that he will see something in them that he doesn’t see in the other competitors. What I truly want is for a man to love God and then love me. I am not supposed to chase a man or feel like I have to be chase worthy. I am consciously choosing to pursue God’s love. Today I chose to stand alone and I wasn’t miserable. I am blessed that my eyes have been opened to this. I hope that if you find yourself feeling like you are alone and have been overlooked, that you will find comfort in knowing that God loves you more than you can imagine. Do not compare God’s love to man’s ability to love. Man will fail you, but God won’t.

-Lacey